HOME ALONE

Few days back suffering with fever and alone at home for the first time, I was so sentimental, I even cried, maybe this is what you feel when your at this age of 48, loneliness visit you once in a while because you miss your daughters , and being alone with no one to talk sometimes just make you down at times. I admit I'm not one of those person who wants to be alone, my childhood was sorrounded with love ones , even when i got married and even when the first married was not successful still i was not alone becuase my girls was with me all the time

MY john was not there also that time coz he has to travel back to his hometown for important family meetings, and my house help was not also around so i was really alone as in alone ha ha ha and boy! it was also an experinece in my part and my one and only neighbor who is my landlady also in the afternoon went out to see his son so my only sole companion at that time was scooby the white dog and kebol the brown dog. I just went inside and close the door and lack my bedroom door. during dinner time i just went out to the kitchen and fixed myself something to eat , the rice was already cooked morning time , but I have prepare my dinner, and prepared a tray and just went back to my room where I ate my dinner, after that i just cried because now I really felt what my parents have gone through, alone and no childrenn there to take care of them personally, Its really a shame in my part no to be there for them.

At times like this when you are alone you wish you are back home in the loving arms of your parents.I keep wondering what will i do if my parents or one of them needed care like when they are not feeling well, each time i think of that tears roll down my check, how i wanted to go back to my hometown and just live in my house again, for how many years I have been away from home for many years and truthfully a part of me wanted to live there for my parents so that when they need assistance in the future I will be there like what they have done to me in the past but i'm turn between two worlds , my new world with my family and my old world with my parents, It's a complicated situation maybe i will just need to be there at one time and be here also at other times . But definitely i want to live in my house again i don't know when and how only God knows what my destiny and my mission is in this world. Ant today my being alone for the first time ,john was not here, chay is working, Melody is in america with her family, and even my cook elgen is not here you tend to be so helpless and so sad and I wonder how other people are able to liked their situation. I do agree that life is too short to spend it alone.

So i said to myself john never and never again will you travel again and living me alone ,even the internet cannot replace the loneliness I felt being alone, well next time I will make sure no one is traveling again and leaving me behind by myself

MISSING THEM

Being married at the age of 15 makes people react in so many ways , mostly they don't approved of it . As I am married at that age you could say that it was not easy starting with the comment disapproval of so many people, but the marriage has to go on, it was meant to be because God will give me two beautiful girls. A mother at 16 and having my youngest baby at 17 , too early to start to early to end, now I'm 48 , that is after 31 years of not having a baby , you miss the feeling of having babies again, and the feeling of a mother and holding a new born. I can still remember the way I look at at my beautiful baby a new life GOD has given me , silently thinking what will she become, how will she look when she is teenager, what are the features she got from me ., this are only the few of the many question you will have in your mind. AS they grow older , every parent have this fear inside their heart and that is the time when their children will leave them, and the time when they get married, because as a parent you worry what type of character, will she marry or he will have for a bride We are not born perfect so parents and daughters and sons are are not too, whatever you become you are just a person who are also bound to makes mistakes. The story of my life is very very colorful, interesting, and so many life learning situation and lesson to remember that I carry in my heart which gave me a new outlook of life, new things to adapt new situation to bare and me being a single mom after my marriage broke it changes a lot in me in and out , the first few years was so hard so painful and at time unbearable if not for my two girls , I would have ended my life because at this stage of the marraige your supposed to enjoy the new life being a wife and enjoy the growing up of the children. I love them so much that instead of thinking more on their security , their education I kept this aside because I cant bare even a single day away from them even if they say its for their future, all I was thinking is what about the days when I'm not by there beside them when they get sick, when they needed me most , I simply decided even if others think I'm stupid when in fact the family of their dad are rich and could give them what they want, but can they give the motherly love that I have for my kids never , and absent parent cannot take back the days when she is not around with her kids especially when your so far far away , I said to myself one parent is gone and one should stay . In short I fought my way to go through life with my 2 girls , it was not an easy road sometimes the road is too narrow sometimes too many stones on the road but I carry them both hoping that someday life for me anD my daughters will be different and I would be able to experience , to taste of a happy marriage together with my kids . It was a very colorful in a sense that I been through a lot and I never thought that at that young age I could survive all those and do you know why I was able to to resist the temptation of ending my life its the fear of GOD and the absolute love I have for my children. A love from a young mother that never stop growing until at this time, the love that is permanently in my heart till the end of time .

Now that I'm in my golden years my views in life also grew with me before I just want them with me and whatever I do, whatever I become whatever decision I have to make they must be with me, But when I got sick and feeling not too healthy and now they were at the right age to start their own family, my views changes because who would take care of them when I'm gone they will be alone and I don't want that to happen, AS they say "NO MAN IS AN ISLAND" I don't want them to be staying single staying with their relatives they must have their own family , if they choose to really be alone , its high time now that they will start life separate from me. MY youngest daughter was married first but she almost reach 30 luckily she married before that happened , now my eldest is still single, but she is now living away from me alone by herself and trying to learn what life has for her being single still at that age of 32, so now I'm alone with my 2nd husband and one house help and like now I have a fever and only the help is there to watch over me , I miss their care for me when I got sick one time when they were just so little , my fever stayed for more than a week I was just in the house and they take turns giving me a sponge bath to lower my fever and at night they take turns and I can see the fear in their eyes , the fear of losing me. I can feel their small hands wiping me with ice cold water , these are moments a mother would never exchange for anything the time when your kids take care of you personally because it will stay in your heart the memories, and each time you remember them it caress your heart its comforts you inside ,Now I miss my girls too much , for their care , the way they handle me, luckily my husband now is good and loving and so caring he is really a hands on husband now he is the one giving me the sponge bath I think also he enjoys doing that because each time the wet hand towel with ice cold water touches my skin I really scream and it makes me smile everytime he comforts me and expalain to me why he has to do that even with fever he will just joke about it, but you know he wont sleep until my fever goes down, I just hope you will have a husband like mine now who is really hands on when your sick and really take care of you personally.

Sometimes your mis understood by your children that when you want to share what you had learn they sometimes dismiss your advice and I felt like I'm intruding , but I'm not , I'm just simply doing my job as a mother because a mother cannot retire, i can only retire being a mother when I'm gone , maybe after life I will still look after them who knows.... they say mothers still do that. But how I wish they will make me feel that my advice is also important and I hope that they wont forget what I taught them . Because parents are so sensitive at this age all I want is their love, respect and their kind words and their tactfulness , that's all................. and to see them happy and and smiling not stress in life , becuase life is too short , so while you have still the chance to show your loveone how you love them dont hesitate because the chance that God has given you to show your parents to tell them might be shorten quickly.

LIVING BY FAITH AND TRUST

FAITH is important to everyone, it is a wonderful feeling inside you that will embrace you not just in good fun times but mostly it will embrace you too in times of sadness , pain and sorrow. Why do we often neglect this wonderful feeling inside? , Why do we sometimes take this feelings for granted and put aside, FAith make us strong as a person , make us one with God, How strong is our Faith?, Do we have strong foundation of this feeling even at times when everything is almost without hope. Let us understand FAITH in a very simple way, We need FAITH everyday. we need FAITH in everything we do, we need Faith in everything we say and we need FAITH to hold on to love . FAITH is the key to open your heart. You need FAITH to open your mind . And most of all Faith is for GOD , HIS GLORY AND HIS LOVE.
Most of us trust more our knowledge, the earthly knowledge that is common and with limitations , where does FAITH resides ,is it in your brain, or in your heart , FAITH resides in your heart, There is a saying " GOD HELP THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES " there is no question about that, but does GOD really meant only work? because others understand that if you dont work you cannot have anything in this world including food , shelter and clothes , roof over your head havent you noticed that all of these are basic needs in life, material things. W e GODS people have a purpose on earth, everyone of us has a job to do for him not for us not for anyone but for him only, but sad to say that when knowlegde is granted we tend to forget who we really are and just let oursleves be blinded with worldly occupation and worldly desires. And we forget to humble ourlselves to God and we foroget the most important deed that pleases God , and that is your love to help other people your willingness to give without conditons , without expecting any returns, without demands for that person to do this and do that and then I will extend my help....... this is not what GOD us want in our heart. which is important? the brain or the heart ? when the brain stops and the hearts still beats , that person still live, has hope but when the heart stop , then its time for him to face God. So FAITH resides in our heart, so heart is much more important than the brain.
God wanted us to need him, to call on him , to put all our trust in him, God wants us to seek his compassion , to depend on him all the time . GOD has given us everything that we have in this world. He provide in nature food ready to eat, medicine ready for picking and and a land ready for dwelling, sea with food in it , there are so many , But faith in my opinion is a free well to keep and to hold and you will only have full faith in God if you love God.... because faith and trust go hand in hand. Trust not yourself too much but trust in GOD all the time for he is the almighty and the most glorious GOD and thru his son JESUS CHRIST and the HOLY GHOST , nothing is impossible.
Do you know that worries offend and insult God ?, I too worry but im thankful that im always reminded at the end of each worries and i realized that I worry over simple things basic ones, food shelter, sickness, roof over my head i worry too much in a day, but im thankful that even when I backslide when I tend to forget that worries is without faith and it offend God so much , I asked his forgiveness for this weakness of heart and even if others think that we rely too much to God when we say " WE HAVE FAITH IN GOD " "WE TRUST IN GOD THAT HE WILL PROVIDE " in my own dialect "BAHALA NA LANG SI LORD " though how simple and ordinary this words may seem to other people , on the other hand this words are so powerful and so for others they think we are lazy and we rely too much on God All I can say is that dont rely too much in your knowlege , in what you can do because you have a career because your smart and intillegent, these are from god too and he can take it away in a blink of an eye.
I can say MY FAMILY IS LIVING BY FAITH because right now all we can do is just have FAITH and TRUST GOD above all, we pray and for our specific needs each day. we also have work but day to day we rely more not from our work but from gods mercy and grace . We are living by our faith in our day to day basic needs, we dont have savings , we dont have security when it comes to our jobs, we dont have health insurance, why should I asked for more when GOD knows what I need and GOD knows the right and perfect time. I pray TO GOD that he will make my FAITH and the FAITH OF MY FAMILY STRONGER DAY BY DAY , For the people who have extended their kindness and help to my family and baring with us I thank you deeply and dearly . know that we are not depending on what you can give but we are happy and grateful to GOD for using all of you as instrument and I praised GOD for his love to my family . And I thank GOD for using all of you to send his mercy upon my family I am a living withness of GODS Love and mercy through FAITH . And GOD has shower us with graces, blessings of all kinds Praised God . Glory to GOD , GLORY TO CHRIST JESUS, AND THE HOLY GHOST, ........Peace to all of you may the words I shared bring something for you to think about. Miracles still are always here all we need is to look around and we see them everyday.

'THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY TO PARENTS'

Are you aware of the words you say to your parents? does your attitude please your parents? Do you take time to think of them in a compasionate way? These are just the common questions that only few of us ask ouselves.I was a daughter before I became a mother and still a daughter .When do you think a parents stop becoming a parent?, is it when you reach legal age?, is it when you separate yourself from them ?, or when your married and have your own family? To me being a parent never ends and how about being a daughter ? a son? when does it end. So many of us think we are better than our parents because we are more knowlegable when it comes to education, some parents may not have gone to college or graduate from a degree or they may not be as successful as what you have now, Is this enough to claim that we are above our parents? Parents are not perfect nor sons and daughters . Words! Words! are very important , how you deliver it to them , the tone of voice, the choices of everywords you use to make them understand and to withold our frankness in everygiven situation , the unending sacrifice you can offer and to be compasionate in every way.

During my time as a daughter I was not perfect too , many mistakes done , too many pains, worries, sudden problem because of sickness , the times when your parents cried behind close door because they want to give you more but can only give you less because its all what they have and have given it all to their children. I tell you as a daughter before and a mother now, always use your heart when you talk to your parents because it's the only way , the best way to talk to your parents especially when they are now in their golden years, they would want to hear kind words and they will always treasure respect than the riches you can give. Never deny help to your parents or to anyone even if they didnt ask for it, as children you will know the time when they needed it most
When a son or a daughter give something to their parents in time when everything is fine it is gratitude and a gift and to show their parents they are remembered even when they can live without it but when you give to a parent in time of their desperation and in time when they needed it most . to them its more than a sacrifice in your part , for them its love that made you do this and its your kind heart and your compassion for their situation. Remember its easy for children to ask from their parents but its hard and its pitiful for a parent to ask. So why wait, why not feel what they need ....... be happy to give. be happy to anticipate. because time is short and not enough to show your parents your goodness and what you become now is their success and achievement too . when you hear of problems, situations listen , just listen this alone will console them and as much as possible use few words and always focus on them not with what you have and , not with what you dont have. Have you forogtten that maybe God is testing your kindness and your love and he starting with your family? In my part I have so much to say , so much to do and I pray with God's mercy that before he will take my parents breath I would be able to show them my unconditional love and I will be able to at least do something to give without them asking me.

REMEMBERING

Aha!!! Oh its really nice to share and to remember the stories of my young years. I can't begin to write a blog if I start in the middle. so I'm also doing this for me to remind me of the good times and for my daughters to know the stories I neglected to tell them , I just hope that they can get something out of my stories and enjoy it too.When my two daughters who are the love of my life always now and forever were growing up I admit that I was not hands on with both of them because I was busy surviving the marriage and busy trying to make it work and that will be another chapter of my blog which my readers will be able to follow up

IN my day to day life now I can tell the difference, I see life differently when I was at my twenties.If a person really examines and remembers closely all her past experiences and the present with an open mind you will see that life is not boring at all and it's colorful, wonderful , exciting and it's constantly changing . I'm remembering the incidents in the past that also my parents shared with me coz i was too young to remember them and now alsoI'm trying to tell my daughters in this way the incidents that I neglected to tell them. Hmmmm !!!! let me see , MY mother told me of an incident that happened to me when i was a child i was run over by a bike because i was trying to get my little plate across of our house which my playmates took and that's how I got my scar in my knee that sad to say is still here although it's already fading but it told a story. Another incident was while my mother was sewing she said she used a bottled softdrinks to sharpen her scissors and just put the bottle on the floor beside her and continued sewing she didn't noticed that I took it and run to the stairs to hide so no one can see me and I drunk the the liquid inside the bottle but it was kerosine and immediately I collapsed and that's the only time she noticed me that I took the bottle and they rush me to the hospital ,but that drinking incident made me a sick child because it affected my lungs . The doctor told them to watch my health closely until 10 years old if I won't have a serious illness within those years I will be ok. With this incident of mine my parents specially my mom learned a lesson and that ever since she was really guarding me closely and she told me that incidents like this specially if the parents are there is surely the mother's look out . Would you agree to this? well my mom is right MY mother would say to me never take your eyes away from your kids coz a min might be fatal to them and watch your kids when your cooking, in the water, and when your gardening, and don't ever let go of them when you're in a public place. When you walk on the street always stay in the danger side .Hopefully my daughter can get something out of this story and watch her child closely specially now she is just learning new things.Watching your daughters and sons is not enough too, you have to askGod to protect them at all times.

Another incident happened in my ancestral home,I so love playing house and because I was a sickly child my mom was so choosy when it comes to my playmates I only have 2 friends that I'm allowed to bring to my home , its sally and narra we often played house and built it in the garden from scratch even though my mother really didn't like the view of her garden still she allowed us to play there. We cooked our own food like rice and fish with vinegar and salt and garlic ( inon-onan) when I ate the fish a big fish bone was stuck to my throat and they have to bring me again to the doctor because I can't swallow anymore and so the next time we played house we have our own maid to cook for us and was there to play with us but as a child we didn't like this secretly I pinch our maid so she will go away but she calls my mom and says" nang she is pinching me because she wants me to go away" ,but my mother said either she stays or no playing house for you. So just imagine an adult inside a small playhouse and a maid to do the cooking , I never told my friends at school about this because its embarrassing ha! ha! ha! and now I'm telling so that my daughters can get a good tip out of this incidents.A child would always think she can outsmart her parents but its only temporary ha ha ha. Tonsilitis is my favorite illness when i was a child my fever would go up to 40 and that's the reason I'm not allowed to eat salted fish but i always find a way so that i can eat my favorites, so i go out to my neighbbor's house and eat there , we call their house nipa hut because it's small , they eat rice corn and they always have salted fish for their lunch. and my parents were confused why I still get sick even if I'm not eating salted fish aha! that's what they didn't know but as they said we can't out smart our parents . One of the neighbors went to my mother to borrow money and she was trying to impress my mom that she was kind to me and and she was praising me like this," you know your youngest daughter is a good girl she doesn't mind our small nipa hut and the food we eat, I know she is not used to this kind of food but she really love to eat salted fish and my mother said aha! hmmmmm! so when the lady left and she was really thinking that the news was good for my mother but actually it wasn't, i really got a punishment for that I was asked to lay facing down and my father hit me with his belt and for a child it was so painful and I was so frightened and angry with my tatay and I said to myself when I get married I will be free I will really buy one big box of salted fsh , if I remember this it really tickles me and always put a smile in my face. it was for my own good I didn' t realize that .

I really love to dance and i was a member of the dance troupe in school since i was grade2 my favorite dance was hawaiian dance. And i was popular when it comes to this dance. It was a benefit show for 3 days in school . I have many numbers in hawaiian dance one of the number was the tahitian dance. While i was dancing i can feel my grassskirt becomes loose coz of my shaking the hips and i know it will drop down and if that happens they will see my bikini so i was already n grade 6 at that time and i was starting to show up as a teenager so as not to make it drop, i quickly turned around an still shaking my hips not knowing that at the back it's already open and they can see my bikini and my behind and the boys were whistling and shouting and just imagine all the spectators and my classmates was there and saw all this so i quickly exited and i really cried and cried and i promise d to myself i wont dance again, but my teacher went there to ask my parents to talk to me and calm me down at the end i still danced the 2nday and on that day i got audience approval and praises and applause and the show was still successful even on the 3rd day. I hope that like me i enjoyed remembering my incidents , HOW ABOUT YOU? DO U ALSO HAVE UNFORGETTABLE INCIDENTS U WANT TO SHARE? DONT FORGET TO FOLLOW ME UP.

THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE

Wow! It's true my parents are the light of my life. Now that I'm 47 I have appreciated more the things and the sacrifices my parents did for me and my siblings. It's true they are not both perfect but my parents( nanay and tatay) tried their best and not just their best but all of their best. As I look out of the window today admiring my plants at the wall where I placed them and the colors of the leaves and and the mixture of different variety of plants gives me too much joy and always make me smile I suddenly remember my loving parents how they have worked hard and have to sacrifice big and little things that each one of them liked so that in the future they can give me and my siblings better life and I can't helped wondering if my best was enough for my two daughters ,I feel sad knowing and realizing that all the best I gave to my girls are not even close to what my parents gave me. In terms of material things, and security and honor . I feel that I have not given them at that time and until now , all these even if I say it was all my best. But there is one thing that I'm one hundred percent sure I gave them before and until now and until I die and that is my devotion as a mother and my undying love for my daughters.

Tatay and Nanay and my siblings have been so supportive of me not just in my childhood times ,but also in my teen age years and most of all my married life , most of all my parents were there for me when I really needed them most, when my life turned into the wrong road, they were there to pick me up dust me and hold both my hands when I fell to the ground and they both held my hands and taught me again to walk and start again and hand in hand together with them I was able to survive the storms in my life , it was just like on my wedding day when they walked side by side with me to the altar and handing me over to my husband but this time they walked side by side with me never letting go of my hands and didn't hand me over to anyone but they just walk with me to the road of recovery .They are truly the light of my life. How i wish i can do more to them not to repay them for being a parents and for the helped and support but just simply because I LOVE THEM BOTH WITH ALL MY HEART and vow to respect them for the rest of my life because I could never repay them .Now that I'm a parent I realize many things and I hope too that my readers will start to look back and examine their hearts and start appreciating their parents because I know there were questions before about our parents that only now we can answer and understand , somethings that we think it was wrong but today it is not anymore because we benefit from that.

If I write it down the material things , the help, the support all the things my parents did to me and also I will write down what I did for them ,and have given them , truly even now I'm too ashamed to admit I have not done even half of what they have done and given to me.They are parents they don't do this because they expect a pay back in the future, everything they have given to us is a preparation not for them but for us when we become parents also. To my readers also don't forget to list down also the little things that they have done and asked ourselves these little things did I do this for them? And you will be surprised that there are little things you overlook and have not done to them. They are not perfect, only God is perfect they also too were daughters and sons during their times and when they said don't do this and don't do that it's because they want to improve what they were not before and hoping that we will have a good shot in life .So while you can still say your appreciation to your parents hurry ! hurry! hurry don't waste your time and don't wait, do it now or it will be too late to make them feel the love they deserved from their children. They are the light of my life but it's up to each one of us also to continue that light to burn and pass it on to our children and when YOU HAVE GOD BECAUSE HE IS LOVE THEN NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. TO MY PARENTS NANAY AND TATAY I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND I VOW TO RESPECT YOU AND LOVE YOU ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.

My Childhood Days

Looking back and remembering my childhood years now fills me with mixed emotions. Rewinding slowly is like watching an invisible television show of yourself, questions before that only now you can answer and always " THE WHY" and the "I COULD HAVE DONE THESE AND THAT". As a person grow older , the more she tends to look back and the more she examines carefully what was her past and the present and only the present holds the key to the future always with God in your heart, they say that it's better to move forward, I don't disagree with this but it's always good to look back then moving forward will be much easier and more effective whether your past childhood is a happy one , or tragic one, or painful. Still it remains that to look back is not to linger with the emotions of the past but to help you achieved to better yourself and for you to be able to correct and to mend anything that holds you back in becoming a happy person and to love other people than yourself. Family plays a very important role in my life , there are moments in my past that I did not understand my other family members way of handling me when I was a child and only now I know the perfect answer to that and realizing that love was there when they did that to me as a child.

What was I like as a child? hmmmmm!!!! since I'm the youngest of four , the eldest being a girl and next my only brother and the next is a girl, you can say I'm the baby to my nanay ( mother) I always believed this until now. My siblings always and even now claimed that I'm the favorite of my mother, maybe they think that because during the leisure time of my parents I'm the entertainer he! he! he! As far as I can remember I really love dancing so much,and my parents and my relatives always make me dance during celebrations and I was always the entertainer and every time I see a mirror if I remember it right I think I was only 5 years old at that time , the miror was always my first teacher, dancing in front of the mirror and trying to copy the dance steps I have seen from the adults and looking at my facial expression if i look nice with the step I'm trying to learn and if I can't get the step right away i stamp on my feet almost loosing my patience but i never stop until i get it right . So as a child, dancing was always my passion, it gives me too much joy and happiness inside and out. Ever since i was a child each time i hear a music i feel it in my heart and when i dance it's not just merely listening to the music but feeling it inside. My is mother always there to teach me to use my eyes , my smile and my shoulders to make me more graceful. iI have always enjoyed my childhood specially the noontime breaks when our mother tells u to sleep ha! ha ! ha !ha which by the way me and my sister and my cousins never do . After lunch time my mom always have her routine nap in the afternoon and she always make me and my sister sleep with her but we pretend to sleep and when we see she is already in deep sleep we and my other cousin also in there own house also did the same and we meet outside in front of our house and there we start our afternoon play which is eating and chewing gum until the sweetness are all gone and ready to be use as a paste to catch dragon flies. We have to stand still in front of the narrow canal and use a long stick to and stick the gum in it and wait without making any body movement under the heat of the sun and wait for the dragon flies to stick to the gum and when the clock stirkes 4, a bell would sound and we run upstairs and lie down pretending to sleep and yawn as if we just woke up and my mother will always ask why both of u smell like we were under the sun for hours ? ha! ha! ha! and you know what she never caught us ha! ha! ha! But when we became teenagers we told her and she just laughed.